Understanding Attachment Styles in Adopted Children
Are you struggling to connect with your adopted teen? Do you worry about their emotional well-being and ability to form healthy relationships? Understanding attachment styles in adopted children is essential for providing the necessary support and interventions to promote their mental and emotional well-being. This article will guide you through the different attachment styles, their impact on adopted children, and practical strategies to support your teen’s journey to secure attachment.
What is Attachment Style?
Attachment style refers to the way individuals form emotional bonds and relate to others. These patterns are largely shaped by early childhood experiences and interactions with primary caregivers. Secure attachment provides a solid foundation for emotional well-being, while insecure attachment styles can create challenges in relationships and overall mental health.
According to Veronica Bratcher, the clinical director at Wildflower Mountain Ranch, attachment style boils down to two key questions: “Do we find comfort in a relationship, and do we tend to pull ourselves toward a relationship or away from a relationship?” These questions highlight the core elements of attachment: seeking comfort and maintaining closeness. For adopted children, these fundamental aspects of attachment can be complicated by pre-adoption experiences.
Understanding attachment styles is essential for parents and caregivers, especially when working with adopted children who may have experienced trauma or disruptions in their early attachments. These experiences can significantly influence their ability to form healthy relationships.
Think of attachment style as the blueprint for a child’s emotional house. A secure attachment is like a well-built house with a strong foundation, providing safety and stability. Insecure attachment styles, on the other hand, are like houses built on shaky ground, with potential cracks and vulnerabilities.
Types of Attachment Styles
There are primarily four attachment styles:
Secure Attachment: Characterized by trust, emotional availability, and the ability to form healthy, balanced relationships. Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and autonomy. They can seek support when needed and offer it to others.
Anxious Attachment: Marked by a fear of abandonment and a need for constant reassurance in relationships. Individuals with anxious attachment often worry about their partner’s love and commitment and may become clingy or demanding.
Lacy Rasmussen, a youth mentor, shares from her experience that children with anxious attachment constantly seek attention. “This can be healthy in young children but can manifest in unhealthy ways later.”
Avoidant Attachment: Defined by a tendency to distance oneself from emotional intimacy and a reluctance to rely on others. Individuals with avoidant attachment may suppress their emotions, avoid close relationships, and prioritize independence.
Sarah was adopted at the age of 10. In her new family, she struggled to accept affection. She would flinch when her adoptive mother tried to hug her, and she rarely shared her feelings. Over time, with the support of therapy and patient, understanding parents, Sarah gradually learned to trust and accept love, eventually developing a more secure attachment style.
Disorganized Attachment: Often results from inconsistent or abusive caregiving experiences. This style is characterized by unpredictable and contradictory behaviors in relationships. Individuals with disorganized attachment may crave closeness but also fear it, leading to confusion and instability in their interactions.
How Attachment Styles Impact Adopted Children
Adopted children may face unique challenges in forming secure attachments due to past trauma, loss, or instability. These experiences can lead to difficulties in trusting caregivers, regulating emotions, and developing healthy relationships.
“If we don’t want to be around people, we are going to be behaving all sorts of ways that are going to drive people away from us or that are going to cause us to be further away from people,” notes Veronica Bratcher. These behaviors can manifest as defiance, withdrawal, or difficulty forming connections with peers and adults. Understanding these underlying attachment issues is crucial for providing appropriate support and interventions.
Attachment in adopted children can be seen as a delicate dance. The child may step forward, then back away, testing the waters of trust and connection. The adoptive parent’s role is to be a consistent, supportive partner in this dance, guiding the child toward a more secure rhythm.
The Role of Therapy
Therapy, especially attachment-based therapy, can play a crucial role in helping adopted children develop secure attachments. These approaches focus on creating a safe and supportive environment where children can explore their past experiences, process trauma, and develop trust in their caregivers.
Here are some therapeutic interventions that can help:
Individual Therapy: Helps teens process past trauma, develop coping skills, and build self-esteem.
Group Therapy: Offers opportunities to connect with peers, share experiences, and learn healthy relationship skills.
Family Therapy: Involves family members in the treatment process to improve communication and strengthen relationships.
Attachment-Based Therapy: This approach focuses on fostering secure attachments by helping children develop trust, emotional regulation, and healthy relationship patterns.
Michael, adopted at age 14, had a history of running away from foster homes. He was diagnosed with disorganized attachment. Through individual therapy, he began to process his early childhood experiences of neglect and abandonment. He learned coping skills to manage his anxiety and developed a stronger sense of self-worth. Family therapy helped him to improve communication with his adoptive parents and build a more secure bond.
Creating a Secure Base: Therapeutic Approaches
Attachment-based therapy focuses on creating a safe and supportive environment where girls can explore their past experiences, process trauma, and develop secure attachments. Therapeutic approaches may include:
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT): Helps teens process traumatic memories and develop coping skills.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): Teaches emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness skills.
Experiential Therapies: Such as art, music, and equine therapy, provide opportunities for teens to express emotions and build connections in non-verbal ways.
How to Respond to Your Child’s Attachment Style
Responding with compassion and understanding is crucial for helping adopted children develop secure attachments. Veronica Bratcher emphasizes the importance of not taking a child’s distress personally: “When we can separate ourselves from their distress in an attachment perspective, we are much better able to be the calm, reassuring, regulated parent that all of the attachment styles need.”
Other strategies include:
Being responsive to their needs: Paying attention to their cues and responding in a timely and consistent manner.
Providing reassurance: Offering comfort and support when they are distressed.
Setting clear boundaries: Establishing consistent rules and expectations to create a sense of safety and security.
Practicing patience: Understanding that building trust takes time and that setbacks are a normal part of the process.
Emily’s adoptive parents learned about attachment styles after she was diagnosed with anxious attachment. They made a conscious effort to be more responsive to her needs, offering reassurance and affection whenever she seemed worried or insecure. They also sought guidance from a therapist on how to set healthy boundaries and manage her clinginess. Over time, Emily’s anxiety decreased, and she developed a more secure attachment to her parents.
The Importance of Parental Regulation
It’s crucial for parents to remain regulated to best respond to a child’s attachment style. As Veronica Bracther stated, “If we think of it that way, what our response is going to be, we’re going to become anxious, we’re going to be less responsive, we’re going to be less regulated. And so it actually becomes challenging not because of their attachment style, but because of our response.”
When parents are calm and grounded, they can provide a secure base for their children, even in the face of challenging behaviors.
Think of parental regulation as the anchor of a ship. When the seas are rough (the child is experiencing emotional distress), the anchor keeps the ship (the parent) steady, allowing them to weather the storm and provide stability for the child.
Building Trust: A Gradual Process
Adoptive parents need to be patient and understand that they do not get to decide the timeline for when a child feels ready to trust them. As Veronica Bratcher points out, “They may have been with me for a month. They have been with me for a decade, but I still don’t get to decide when they feel like they’re ready. That’s not my decision to make.”
Learn more about trauma-informed therapy from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network.
Conclusion
Understanding attachment styles in adopted children is the first step toward fostering a stronger, more secure bond and helping them heal from past trauma. By responding with compassion, patience, and understanding, parents and caregivers can help adopted children heal and thrive.
Sources and Citations
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 1: Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
Barth, R. P. (2006). The effects of age and placement history on adoption outcomes. Children and Youth Services Review, 28(2), 208–225.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2015). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Bantam.
National Child Traumatic Stress Network. (n.d.). Trauma-Informed Care. Retrieved from https://www.nctsn.org/
Behavioral Tech. (n.d.). Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Retrieved from https://behavioraltech.org/
Bratcher, V. (2025.). Clinical Director at Wildflower Mountain Ranch. (Personal Video Communication)
Rasmussen, L. (2025). Youth Mentor at Wildflower Mountain Ranch. (Personal Video Communication)